You Might be a United Methodist if...
.. you don't take Rolaids when your heart is strangely warmed
... you know that a circuit rider is not an electrical device
... The Upper Room is as essential to your bathroom as the toilet paper
... you felt that the NCAA penalties against SMU football were too harsh
... you've ever owned a pair of cross and flame boxer shorts
... you sit while singing "Stand up, stand up for Jesus"
... you've ever sung a gender-inclusive hymn
... tithing is encouraged but widely ignored
... half the people sitting in your pew lip-sync the words to the hymns
... the word apportionment sends a chill down your spine
... you realize pluralism isn't a communicable disease
... your pastor has a hyphenated last name
... names like Aldersgate, Asbury, and Epworth are vaguely familiar
... you consider the monthly potluck a sacrament
... the only church camp song you know by heart is "Kum ba yah"
... you've ever attended an Annual Conference and actually enjoyed it
... you have an unexplained yearning to visit Wesley's Chapel in London
... your church is named for a geographical location rather than for a saint
... you've never heard a sermon on Hell and don't feel you're missing out
... you realize that VBS isn't a sexually transmitted disease
... your pastor moves every four or five years and you like it that way
... there's at least one person in every church meeting who says, "But we've never done it that way before"
... your congregation's Christmas pageant includes both boy and girl wise men
... you accept the fact that the hymn "O, for a thousand tongues to sing" has almost as many stanzas as tongues
... you know that the Wesleyan Quadrilateral isn't a trick football play involving four lateral passes
... you realize that the Book of Discipline is not a guide to getting your child to behave
... you understand that an "appointment" has nothing to do with keeping a lunch date
... you think "UMW" stands for United Methodist Women rather than the United Mine Workers
... you know the difference between a "diagonal" minister and a "Diaconal" minister
... "Good morning" has the status of a liturgical greeting in the worship service
... you say "trespasses" instead of "debts" in the Lord's Prayer and have no idea why
... your annual conference spends most of its time debating resolutions that nobody reads
... you'd rather be branded with a hot iron than serve on the Nominating Committee
... you've ever sipped Welch's grape juice out of a plastic shot glass during Communion
... you're asked to donate money to a "special offering" every other Sunday
... you pore over the Conference Journal with the same intensity you would read a John Grisham novel
... you have to fight through a cadre of greeters to get into the sanctuary
... when the worship service lasts for more than one hour, the beeping of watch alarms drowns out the final hymn
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in the classroom.
The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children.
The teacher asked a little boy:
Teacher: Tommy do you see the tree out side?
Teacher: Tommy, do you see the grass out side?
Teacher: Go out side and look up and see if you can see the sky.
Tommy: OK. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
Teacher: Did you see God?
Teacher: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there.
The little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. Teacher agreed and she asked the boy:
Little Girl: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
Little girl: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
Tommy: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time)
Little girl Did you see the sky?
Little Girl: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
Little Girl Do you see her brain?
Does that mean she doesn't have one?
Ways to Know you are in the wrong Church...
-The staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor, and Socio-Pastor.
- They have ATM machines in the lobby.
- No cover charge, but communion is a two drink minimum.
- Services are B.Y.O.S. (Bring Your Own Snakes)
- They have karaoke worship time.
- The guy that takes the minutes in business meeting votes against everything because he can't spell unanimous.
- The only song the church organist knows is Inna-Gadda-Da-Vida.
- The church bus has gun racks.
- The Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss" version.
- The choir wears leather robes.
- When you go in ushers ask you, "Do you want smoking or non-smoking?"
Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world!
It is unlikely there'll ever be a reduction in the wages of sin.
Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.
Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here.
Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons - come hear one.
People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.
Where will you be sitting in eternity - smoking or non-smoking?
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